stream of rockiness

This is really gay I want to go to Princeton but the essay prompts are both so broad it’s like write about your life. Umm okay? what about it. include in your essay a quote that relates to a specific experience that relates to your defining one of your values. what the F? can you give me more boring prompts. maybe I don’t want to go there because the prompts are just so damn impossible.

but what’s making them impossible, I’m sure it’s me. but knowing that doesn’t do a thing to help me fix it, the problem, which is that I write all the time so why can’t I write two measly essays? I had so much confidence when I started college applications because I can kick out a killer essay in like 25 minutes, this is easy I thought, no problem. so why am I still sitting here, on December 28, struggling with first drafts?

mom doesn’t understand. it should be more important to you than it is to anyone else. well DUH, thanks for that. that’s exactly WHY it’s so freaking hard for me. because it’s my life, it’s me that either gets in or doesn’t, that’s why it’s so freaking important to me that everything is perfect. but it’s not perfect and I don’t know how to make it good enough. I’m trying, mom, can’t you see all I do is try.

as usual

i find it impossible to concentrate when it comes to doing things that really need to get done.
this is getting ridiculous. im getting on my own nerves.

but im not even necessarily distracted...
im just bored before i even start working. just the IDEA of starting something i have to finish makes me cringe. the dread begins.

i would rather be creative.

ideas for new years' eve activities

1. make a 2008 list
2. make goal cards
3. make a dream collage
4. write a letter to myself
5. fill out a calendar
6. type out a concrete game plan
7. create a piece of art
8. pull an all-nighter to complete action steps
9. set up project files
10. work on room
11. make a life paths web

welcome to my home

i found

Teddy Rax!!!!

my lifelong friend. (:

the

wall im
building
is breaking
me down

dreidel = gelt

(: as much as i hate

structure, it does feel good to get things done. it's like my frown has been unfrozen.

my weakness is i work too well under pressure. papers i write an hour before they're due turn out astonishing.

i desperately need a break though. working overtime is beginning to take its toll. i just have to stick it out for one more week and i'll be like a wrapped package--new and ready to burst open and enter the world! haha

i feel like my life is a train with too much momentum. im moving so fast everything around me is just a blur. i want to enjoy the journey, but im flying ahead toward my destination. once this semester is over and the new year begins, i think i'll be so used to the pace i'll be in shock once the train stops. but then again, maybe it never does.

hahaha im so stupid =/

like...
why does my life consist of endless cycles? and how can you escape a constant circle...

and why am i so hopeless and hypocritical?

why are people such fucking assholes

and why am i so damn nostalgic

pointless

I'm just bored. And proud of myself for [almost] finishing my teacher folders. Gosh, I always feel so good after I get something done, so you'd think I'd have fewer unfinished projects surrounding me. Like my room. Okay, I moved in like June and I still have unpacked boxes occupying space. I still sleep on a mattress on the floor.

And it's after 10 and I still have homework to do. But that's not really new or surprising. Ugh, sometimes I just want to quit life, abandon everything and waste time doing useless but fun things like reading Sims stories or photographing other people's dogs at Feeder's Supply. Life seems so complicated when it's the simple things that bring the most pleasure.

I guess I'm done sharing my thoughts.

relient k IS love (I still need that CD *cough*)

this is just to say

moulin rouge is the saddest movie ever.

i watched the 2nd half today. i cried my eyes out.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."

videos
[come what may] [jealousy] [all you need is love]

yum

s'mores

dot crayons and lisa frank

are waaaay too tempting. (:

its like, college stuff, or coloring. what a no-brainer.

i just crossed another off my list.

reasons i hate SM

(note: this list is ongoing and i don't expect it to ever be complete)

1. he stole one of my only two jokes, and i forgot the other one, so he stole my only joke
2. no hugs
3. he tricked me into giving him my e-mail address for no reason

me to my mom:

"tell the counselor i'm a nostalgic, and a chronic procrastinator, and they're both interfering with my life. tell her i have self-control issues. tell her im tired and i have diet issues. is there such thing as an emotional disorder? and tell her i don't wanna go to college. i just want to sit.

"i dont know why school is stressing me out so much, because when i look at it closer, i like all my classes and i really do want to learn. but everything adds up. one thing to do for each class is just one long to-do list. i don't have time to be creative.

"i dont do anything because all i do is think about what i have to do. and when i'm not thinking about it, i'm not doing anything! its like i just freeze up.

"and i dont understand why im so depressed half the time. like whenever im home. i feel so sad and depressed and then as soon as i get to school im all energetic and happy and fun, and then i come home and i just want to go to sleep. thats not really depression is it? if its only half the time?

. . .

"why am i so depressed? i cried the other day when i lost my ring. i sat in the classroom and sobbed in my arms."


my mom: "you're just stressed out."

what i do on sick days

(in no particular order):

1. sleep later than i should
2. watch the 1st half of Moulin Rouge
3. go thru one box in my room
4. discover new roads in my neighborhood
5. listen to lots of relient k
6. make christmas lists
7. eat soup (duh)
8. do calculus homework (WHAT?? i know, right?)
9. get called by my friends who missed me (aww, thanks)
10. be fascinated with balloons at kroger
11. buy the giant holiday issue of vogue
12. narrow down my college choices (to 4!!)
13. other [useless] things (watch videos of jon bon jovi with big hair)
    

sometimes

life is amazing.

i mean,

free cinnamon twists
&
proofs in the form of e-mails.

people rock. (:

i command you

to click here.

seussical?

->check it out fools!<-

i love...

1. carnations


2. vertical pictures


3. silver jewelry


4. handwriting


5. bagels


6. seussical
7. Christmas music


8. certain ppl

i never knew

my hairdresser was a poet.

Number Fifteen

I'm totally gonna own it this winter. (:

time

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
-Annie Dillard

LOOK AT

MY CHRISTMAS KICKS!!!!!

=DDD

my mommy ordered them for me off ebay.

she was like what if they don't fit?

and i was like then i'll put them on my shelf

and use them for bookends!

hahaha

<3

winter list

things to do this winter:

1. go ice skating w/@ least 19 ppl
2. make snow cream
3. take pictures in the snow
4. change my hair
5. make/customize every Christmas present I give
6. find the best cupcake recipe
7. crochet/knit all my accessories
8. work (get a job before Christmas)
9. get in shape
10. throw/attend a killer new years party
11. be accepted to Princeton
12. be someone's secret santa
13. kiss someone new
14. finish my anthology
15. be as bright as possible (:
16. make a blanket/quilt
17. make Christmas cookies
18. have a Disney movie marathon
19. make s'mores
20. work at the holiday shop
21. be glittery!
22. buy/sell something via ebay
23. give something up (like for Lent)
24. buy from/give to goodwill
25. be published
26. paint a self-portrait
27. start a new [makeup] trend
28. make money off valentine’s day (raffle tickets?)
29. make a box of love for ME (:
30. do something super cute for v-day
31. eat on a roof
32. start the feminist club
33. see a Christmas movie
34. ride in a carriage!
35. get a perfect [36] on the ACT
36. go skiing?
37. go to Michigan & stay @ that one bed-and-breakfast!!
38. build-a-bear
39. put secrets in a postsecret book
40. recon a whole outfit
41. make my own pizza
42. find a pen pal/mail package to someone random
43. send xmas card to someone I used to go to school with
44. send xmas card/gift to Kerrey
45. send xmas card to GSP ppl!
46. start an artist notebook
47. make a professional-looking cake/dessert
48. make a video/documentary (flea marketing!, guys’ clothes)
49. make a faux album cover
50. invest in stock
51. make jewelry (DIY project)
52. sponsor a puppy from the humane society
53. beat a chess player at chess
54. give away looney toons playing cards
55. contact Mr. Foster! (old stamps?)
56. wear glasses for a day
57. “Wear obnoxious makeup in public.”
58. paint my nails rainbow colors ($1 nail polish @ Sally’s!)
59. go to indoor soccer game
60. whiten teeth
61. look at christmas lights
62. 14 hairstyles
63. make a calendar
64. acquire a video camera
65. spend a day with mcgriddles
66. read one of my poems in class
67. write @ least 10 haiku
68. organize backpack
69. do my homework the day I get it
70. visit the art annex during study hall
71. watch Barney
72. celebrate the end of applications!
73. get relient k's latest CD
74. find Teddy Rax
75. color a picture
76. do craft from AG book
77. make friends w/ a candy man
78. meet someone on bardstown rd
79. become a vegetarian
80. go to a hannukah party
81. keep a regular journal
82. learn to collage
83. update jenay y mawnicuh myspace
84. overcome procrastination
85. have a lucid dream
86. learn to need less sleep
87. leave poems somewhere (guerilla art project)
88. completely complete my room

gift ideas for an almost best friend

1. notebook or journal
2. cute office supplies
3. stickers/stamps
4. homemade jewelry
5. stationery
6. socks, gloves, scarf, etc.
7. creative container
8. purse/tote
9. flea market bargain
10. colorful pens (never fail!)
11. inspirational anthology
12. mix CD/copy
13. gum/candy
14. simple gift card (Starbucks)
15. Bubbles! etc.
16. calendar
17. muffin mix/cookies
18. body wash
19. bright nail polish (cheap at Sally's)

Bonus points if homemade or personalized; professional & cute if things match!
Use a box and WRAPPING PAPER, please, not a gift bag.
& make your own card, even if you copy a Hallmark word for word.

the brighter the better

I'm having a revived desire for COLOR in any and every form of clothing--but especially shoes. I used to mock Crocs, but now I am craving shoes that are nearly obnoxious and in-your-face bold. They will not hide beneath my jeans! They will mimmick Mika! They will burn your eyes! I will find them today!

call me self-indulgent

I’m treating myself to a hot mug of caramel-vanilla coffee after allowing myself a shower so long I could actually smell the chlorine. Of course I disturbed my slumbering mother, and it makes me wonder: will living alone really be lonely, or pure bliss?
But I needed to shave my legs: they were beginning to feel soft. Not soft like familiar leather, soft like a bunny’s ears. It was the jump-start to my Just Do It (No Excuses) mission. I have so much to get done this holiday weekend, and it’s technically already Saturday morning. Hence the need for coffee. (Man it’s good.)
I really need to work on my Princeton application, especially the art supplement. I’m planning on submitting some of my photography and some of my poetry to display two of my talents. So why I’m constructing a blog instead of working on more urgent tasks I cannot answer except that it’s my nature. More later.

umm

I love my friends. (: